2. Terry Tate, office linebacker, spearheads a campaign to curbstomp childhood obesity. It would only take a few full-on Terry Tate tackles by the vending machine to teach those fat little bastards some discipline. If fatty doesn’t learn, he’ll be running for his life to burn off all those empty calories.This could work equally as well with full-grown adults, but let's start with the kids.
 |
| Have a ho ho, you goin' taste the flo'! |
 |
| A little street art never hurt anyone |
5. This next one is probably a lost cause now that Iowa has the one guy in the world whose mustache makes him look like even more of a pussy, in the Governor’s mansion. Nevertheless, I’m hoping to see the Iowa film tax credits fixed and reinstated. It’s a shame we couldn’t get this right from the start. We were well on our way to the limelight for something other than the caucuses before scandal struck. It was getting to be a regular occurrence to bump into an Adrien Brody or an Amy Smart on the street or at the High Life Lounge. With our own hometown celebrity Bob Nastanovich tearing it up on his reunion tour with Pavement, we were actually beginning to look down on our friends from New York (you can keep Sarah Jessica Parker). Now, instead of the creme de la creme of Hollywood rubbing elbows with Des Moinesians and emptying their bountiful pocketbooks in our fair city, there’s a movie coming out called Cedar Rapids that was filmed almost entirely in Wisconsin of all places. Those cheese-eating bastards! It looks pretty funny, too, starring John C. Reilly and that one guy from the office. Check out the trailer. Anyway, we’re keeping our fingers crossed, but my guess is any tax credits will be going to Brandstad's factory farm cronies who will continue to wash shit down our rivers and choke Iowa’s eco-system.
 |
| filmed in Wisconsin |
6. High speed trains from here to Chicago and Omaha. Not that I’ve been to Omaha since my 8th grade field trip to the zoo, or have any intention of doing so in the near future, but you never know. With Nebraska in the Big Ten now, there’s a distinct possibility that this could come in handy. And a train ride to Chicago in just a few hours? Come on. How sweet would that be? Though this is years down the road, we have the potential to get started right now with a commuter train line between Chicago and Iowa City that would eventually make its way to Des Moines and beyond. This train won't be high speed yet, but we’ve got to set the ground work now while the federal government is giving out massive subsidies for the project. Building this infrastructure will create jobs, open our city up to visitors, and provide young people with a reason to stay or even move to Des Moines. Want big city entertainment while living more in a more affordable, smaller city? Move to Des Moines and Chicago’s just a short train ride away. Yes, education should still be the most important item on the government’s budget, but at some point, what is the benefit of educating a generation of young people who will continually leave for bigger cities?
7. Bob Vander Plaats comes to his senses (or comes out of the closet). Vander Douche is so self-absorbed that he simply won’t stop to consider what he's actually doing. Kicking out supreme court justices doesn't change the fact that gay marriage is legal in Iowa. If he really wanted to change that he should have campaigned for a constitutional convention. Instead, he’s brought in a bunch of hate-spewing bigots to throw money at bringing down Iowa’s judicial system because of one decision. Nevermind the fact that our courts are ranked in the top 5 in the country. No, let’s listen to judges from Alabama where they have to spend millions to run for office and then claim to be impartial. Even when Bob’s good friend, who is an attorney (and having met him I can say a hell of a lot smarter than Bob), asked him to stop and then campaigned against Bob’s hateful agenda, he was too caught up in the limelight and his fantasy of being the guy who stopped gay marriage to listen. We’ve had a lot of zealots like this in America, and quite frankly I’ll be glad to see a day when they fade away.
8. Local music! Des Moines’ (and Ames’) scene keeps expanding and getting better and better. It’s a personal resolution of mine to get out there and see more of it! Two of our favorites include Strong Like Bear and Index Case. (Full disclosure: we've worked with Strong Like Bear on their merch, but that was after we were fans).
9. The end of the recession and a general sense of misery. Every day there’s a new story about the recession. There’s bad news, even when there’s good news. Jobs went up, but only very slightly. X million people don’t have jobs, and rich bankers on Wall Street got $1 billion raises. It’s all just so damn depressing. It's also frightened a lot of people into keeping jobs that they don't want, thus making them more miserable. I just read an article in the Business Record that says 84% of workers will be looking for new jobs in 2011. 84%! So let's turn the negative megaphone off, get out there and do something you want to do even if it means, *gasp* less money. Hey, you could start a t-shirt company!
10. NASCAR banned. Seriously. Talk about a whole heap of money that's pissed away every week. Not to mention the environmental waste. Yeah, I went all hippie on you rednecks.
 |
| http://bannascarnow.com/ |
11. You in a Honeybadger t-shirt. Seriously. You'd look good in one. What was your name? Lanolin? Like Sheep's Wool? Where was I? Ah, yes. go get your shirt here, wear it, take a picture of you doing something sweet in it, and post it on Facebook. Our favorite post wins a free shirt, and who knows. As we grow, you might even be good enough to be a part-time model. (But you'll probably still have to keep your other job).
Cheers,
Dave Murrin-von Ebers
Chief Entertainment Officer
